


Missed Connections

by BuckyAndDanno



Category: 9-1-1 (TV), Chicago Fire, Chicago Med, Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Angst, Buck finds True Love, Buck finds his Dad, Evan "Buck" Buckley Deserves Better, Evan becomes Kid-O, Evan finding his TRUE family, Evan finding out where he belongs, Everybody wants Buck, Family, Family Secrets, Gen, Home, Love, Mamma Mia inspired, Olinsky is Evan's Father, friends - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:47:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29337774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuckyAndDanno/pseuds/BuckyAndDanno
Summary: AU, x-over, based on Season 4 speculation.“It’s not you I’m trying to protect.” Maddie feels the weight of those words for four days before the decision is taken out of her hands. In one swift move, the Buckley parents tear Evan’s world apart, leaving the young man scrambling for any sort of lifeline.Another near death experience and a revelation leave Evan wondering where he belongs, before a late night internet search reveals that he might not be as adrift as he thinks. Like father, like son, they say – something Evan had always thought a fallacy.Will a trip to Chicago unravel the tangled knot that is the life of Evan Buckley, or simply make it more complicated? He certainly doesn’t anticipate three people vying for his affections.When did Evan Buckley’s life get so… Mamma Mia?
Comments: 11
Kudos: 108





	Missed Connections

**Author's Note:**

> I have a new stooooooooory! Yes, yes, I know, I shouldn’t… but I have, so… enjoy?
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own 9-1-1, Chicago Fire, Chicago PD, or Chicago Med. I also don’t own Mamma Mia, which semi-inspired the plot. I am literally just keeping myself occupied in lockdown.
> 
> Trigger warnings for depression, self-deprecation, questioning self-worth, and lots of angst. If you are struggling, speak to a friend, family member, or trained professional.

Evan Buckley was known for three things in his life;

1 – Being someone you couldn’t tie down.

2 – Being reckless, but a damn good Firefighter.

3 – Being the person that sued the LAFD.

And while only two of these were still true to this day, the one thing he prided himself on (even for the point that he much regretted) was that they were his own decisions.

The one thing he prided himself on, was that he wasn’t known for anything to do with his _family_.

He uses that word carefully, because there’s his _family_ (ie, the people he shares blood with), and then there’s his **family** (ie, the people he chose and who chose him). If he’s honest, neither know much about the other, and he’d rather prefer to keep it that way.

Once a year get togethers in Hershey were more than enough, thank you very much.

So yes, he prides himself on distancing everything he is from everything they are, which means that the moment Maddie tells him that they’re coming down to see them, Evan has to force himself not to react. He shuts down, simply nodding at her and then focusing on the meal Bobby has prepared.

They’re at the station, and the last thing he wants is for these people who, as much as he loves them, still judge him (it’s subconscious, instinctive, but it doesn’t hurt any less), to see him at his weakest.

So he tunes it all out, turns to Eddie, and asks about his weekend.

Eleanor and Thomas Buckley had never once been proud of his achievements – never once been proud of their son – and so if he isn’t worth their time, then they aren’t worth his.

Christ, they’re not even here and he feels like he has to give a reason for why they’re not worthy of a reaction; of anything but a slight incline of his head.

“It was good.” Eddie replies with a shrug. “Ana came over.”

There’s a spike of something in Evan’s gut, a shift that has his face ticking, just slightly. He doesn’t know what it means, but he knows that he doesn’t like it. Still, he nods and comments in all the right places; is the best friend Eddie deserves, even if it hurts.

He excuses himself shortly after, heads down to the truck bay and focuses on checks and restocks. They’d already been done after their last call but… you can never be too careful, and the less he had to think about the oncoming storm, the better.

The ill-fated dinner rolls around quick enough though, leaving Evan antsy and on edge. His pinky finger wraps around Maddie’s, the two promising a united front, and at the very least, he doesn’t feel quite so alone.

Until they bring out the box, that is – the beautiful personalised box with Maddie’s name on the top, filled to the brim with baby photos and other objects – and the shared looks between his parents when he asks about his own just about breaks him.

Because the thoughts, the facts, that he’d known all his life but never dared to think about are suddenly staring him in the face and he can’t escape it.

They don’t love him like they love Maddie.

They don’t care.

He will never be good enough.

It’s in that moment that any illusion shatters, any hope he’d had of them ever being proud of him.

It’s in that moment, that Evan Buckley snaps.

In an instant, he’s yelling across the table – every feeling he’s ever kept bottled up inside suddenly spewing forth – and even as Maddie places a calm hand on his arm, an attempt to keep peace, he can’t help but pull away. His eyes meet hers. “United front, remember?” He says, still boiling hot with rage, and then he’s looking back at the elder Buckley’s once more. “Nothing I ever did was good enough.”

He breaks on the last two words, tears streaking down his face. “Why was I never good enough?”

“Because you never could be.” His father snaps, and the truth of it hits him like a ton of bricks. “Not for us. Not in place of our Daniel.”

He just blinks, stunned into silence.

“You said you weren’t going to do this.” Maddie whispers, her own eyes misted with tears.

Their father doesn’t back down though, eyes like burning coals. “He forced my hand, like always.”

A moment passes before Buck finds his voice. “Daniel?”

“Our son.” His mother’s voice is quiet, but he hears it all the same, and isn’t lost on the implication of the words.

‘Our son’ not ‘your brother.’

“I’m adopted?” If anything, his voice cracks even further, because he doesn’t know what to think – how to feel – anymore. Joy? Because he’s suddenly not related to these two people who made his life miserable? Sadness? Because he doesn’t know what could have been? Anger? At his **real parents** for leaving him with the Buckleys? For **abandoning** him?

He physically stumbles, and it’s only through Chim’s firm grasp on his shoulder that he doesn’t outright fall over.

Maddie’s physically sobbing by this point. “You said you wouldn’t tell him. You said you would just **play nice for once!** ”

He doesn’t hear their response to her, doesn’t hear Chim whispering softly for her to calm down. In an instant, Buck just sees Maddie and the truth.

“You knew?” A part of him wants to reach out and hug her but the other part is just so damn angry. “You knew?!”

“It wasn’t exactly the easiest thing to say, Buck!” Chim turns to him, shaking his head, and Buck knows he’s just protecting his girlfriend – the mother of his child – but the implication only makes Buck’s heart grow heavier.

“You told him?” His gaze is still on Maddie. “You told him but you didn’t tell me?”

He doesn’t wait for either of them to respond, pulling desperately away from them and heading to the door. “I’ve gotta go to work.”

“You don’t have a shift.” Finally Maddie speaks, voice clogged and crackling, but he can’t bring himself to turn around.

“I’ll take one.” He spits, grabbing his coat. “Seems to be the only thing I’m good at anyway.”

“Evan…”

“What? I’m clearly not a good son, or brother, and hell… am I either of those things anyway?” His mind is whirling, and he just knows he needs to get out of there. Screw the 118 not seeing him at his weakest; he isn’t going to let _these people_ watch him break completely. “Least throwing myself into fires is something I **am** good at.”

The door slams shut behind him.

He regrets those words the moment he can see nothing but walls of flame, lead piping and red hot steel pining him down.

He regrets them the moment Bobby is shouting in his radio, asking for his location, and Buck has to choke out, “I’m trapped.”

Bobby tells him to hang on, that they’re coming for him, but Buck can’t see any way out of it, and somehow… somehow he’s okay with that.

Because amidst the flashes of memory that try to tell him he has people to go home to, people who love him, there’s the harsh reminder of the Buckley’s – his _not parents_ – and the empty flat he goes home to when no-one else is there.

Because TK’s words as they were leaving Texas come back to him, and there’s a sudden flash of realisation that **he loves Eddie** , but moreover that **Eddie is straight.**

**Eddie has Ana.**

**Eddie doesn’t want him.**

And for all he loves being the ‘favourite Uncle’ (even if he was never officially bestowed that title), he knows he wants more. **Needs more**.

So maybe he’s okay with it, except…

Christopher.

He can’t – **won’t** – let that precious kid lose someone else.

So Evan Buckley fights, he makes it out of the burning warehouse, and even as he hacks and coughs beneath the oxygen mask attached to his face – even as his chest burns and his ears ring under the intense whine of the siren – he knows one thing.

He’s alive.

And maybe that’s all that matters.

Maybe, he thinks as his eyes drift shut, he just needs to keep fighting for his place in this world.

He knows he’s in trouble the moment he opens his eyes.

Maddie sits closest to his bed, red faced and teary eyes, grasping his hand, and beside her, towards the foot of the bed, sits Bobby. The Captain looks concerned but, moreover, he looks pissed.

“Cracked ribs, smoke inhalation, fractured patella…” Bobby’s eyes are narrowed, lips pursed. “You’re lucky you made it out of there.”

Buck sighs. “If you’re gonna read me the riot act, can we at least wait until I’m out of here?”

“No, Buck, we can’t.”

He tries not to flinch at the nickname he’d once loved, more so when Bobby continues.

“Your sister told us what happened.”

He bites back a comment about how Maddie isn’t his sister, and instead just mumbles. “Yeah, she’s good at that.”

He hates the way she flinches, how her grip retracts from his hand, but he also can’t deny the slight satisfaction too; he just can’t understand why she couldn’t have been straight with him or why someone else got to know something so personal about him before he did himself.

“Evan.” Bobby’s voice is stern, and he hates the way he shrinks beneath it. It’s like the lawsuit all over again and he just knows its coming; the disappointment, the ‘you were reckless’ like he’s a child.

And yes, he is sometimes reckless, and yes, it doesn’t always work out, but goddammit he can make his own mistakes, just like everyone else. The difference is always where he gets penalised while others pass on by. The difference is where people think he’s incapable of change, of being an adult.

The difference is how people always perceive him as nothing less than a failure.

“I would never have put you on shift if I’d have known you were emotionally compromised.”

“I wasn’t – ”

“You were. And you almost got yourself killed.” Bobby sighs. “You put yourself and others in unnecessary danger, and that’s something I can’t look over.”

Evan’s head snaps up, hurt filling his eyes. “Are you firing me?”

Another sigh. “No. But you are suspended for two months.”

Evan’s expression doesn’t change, staring at Bobby for several long moments, and then he simply shrinks into himself; expression suddenly blank. “Okay.”

It’s just another example of how he’s been treated differently all his life.

Eddie can get away with a warning after street fighting; after nearly killing someone.

Evan lets his emotions get the better of himself **once** , and he’s suspended.

And honestly… he’s so damn tired of fighting.

He’s tired of fighting for his _parents_ to love him.

He’s tired of fighting for people not to **leave** him.

He’s tired of fighting to keep what little he has.

He’s tired of fighting to be seen for who he **really is**.

“Evan…”

He feels the inexplicable urge to run (and maybe he shouldn’t have crossed point one off that list so soon), but instead – knee in a brace and traction, ribs hurting, head spinning – he simply closes his eyes.

“Can you just go?” He chokes, willing the tears to stay put; willing himself to not show weakness, **for once**.

Neither of them move, and he can almost hear the words on their lips – the fake apologies, the ‘it’s for your own good’.

“Go!” He cries, the tears finally leaking out, and maybe it’s the fact that they can so clearly see him crumbling that they both sigh, and slip out of the curtain separating him from the outside world.

Finally alone, he lets himself break.

He’s released four days later, back on crutches but allowed to go home. Relenting to another few weeks on the couch – thankful at least that his knee will heal quicker than his leg – he lets himself sink down onto it with a sigh.

Maddie had picked him up from the hospital, but they’d barely said two words to each other, and the silence was killing him.

“I’m sorry.” He croaks, pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes. Crying seems to be all he does these days, and he wishes to god he could just suck it up and pretend everything is okay, but how can it be?

His entire world has been turned upside down and he…

He doesn’t know who he is anymore.

He’s not a son or a brother.

He’s barely a firefighter.

He doesn’t get to be a partner, or a father.

He’s alone, untethered and unmoored, floating in a vast black ocean with a storm encroaching him on every side and he just… doesn’t known how to swim.

“It’s okay.” She whispers, sitting down at his side and wrapping an arm around him. “I’m sorry too.”

He sinks into her warmth because, at the end of the day, she is his sister – biologically or not. She’s been his protector for so long, and he hers, and he won’t let something that had nothing to do with either of them tear that apart.

Yes it hurt that she never told him, that she told **Chim** , but… he knows she was just protecting him.

He knows it’s because she cares.

And right now… he wonders if she’s the only one who does.

Bobby hadn’t come back, Chim had stayed away, Hen was busy with med school, and Eddie… He didn’t really know where they stood now.

Eddie had been by the hospital, had pretty much read him the riot act too. But he’d also then pulled him into a tight hug, called him several words in Spanish that Buck was pretty sure all added up to _idiot_. **Then** he’d been called away for a date with Ana, and hadn’t been back since.

So, yeah… without Maddie, he pretty much was alone.

He wants to tell her everything he’s been feeling, but the words just don’t seem to come. Instead he simply sniffles in her embrace, lightly trembling, before she breaks the silence herself, pulling a small binder from her bag.

“I got this from Mom. I…” She swallows. “I thought you might want to see.”

He pulls away just slightly, only so he can see the binder as she places it between them and opens the first page.

It’s a photograph. The two women shown are young – mid 20’s – with very obvious 80’s hairstyles and clothes.

“That’s M… Eleanor.” He stops himself just in time, pointing at the woman on the left.

Maddie nods, and points at the other woman. “And that’s your Mom.”

Evan’s eyes widen, taking in the woman he never got the chance to know. He can see some similarities between them.

“She had these?”

Maddie knows exactly who he’s talking about, and nods. “Mom… My mom… was her best friend. When she died…”

“That’s why…” Evan blinks, swiping away more tears. “So why does she hate me? Was it my fault?”

“No, no.” Maddie is quick to pull him closer again. “Mom did love you. She did. I just… I think you either reminded her too much of Daniel or… or of Olivia.”

“Olivia? That was her name?”

“Yeah. Olivia Lowe.”

“And…” Evan swallows as they continue through the pictures; spreading into the 90’s, Olivia’s hand now firmly resting on a protruding stomach. “And my Dad?”

“She wasn’t with him long.” Maddie replies with a sigh. “He was in town working.”

“But you know a name?” He doesn’t know why he feels this compulsion to know. He’s a grown man, he doesn’t need someone to tuck him in or read him a story anymore, but… at the same time…

He’s just always had this sense of not belonging, something that has only grown through the years, especially with the lawsuit and now his suspension, and to finally have a reason…

To be able to know…

It means too much for him to let it slip through his fingers.

“Your father’s name is Alvin. Alvin Olinsky.”


End file.
